#25 – Today’s Blog

I seem to be a prisoner of the moment. My mind gets hijacked by whatever OCD thought gets triggered in the moment.

Today I spent time online, looking for work to bring in some money while I’m getting my business up and running. It was not long after the search began I got hit with the barrage of negative thoughts whose mission was to  throw me of completely off course and question everything about my life.

What became glaringly clear to me as I searched the want ads is the gap between where my life is I wear I want it to be, is the size of the Grand Canyon.

As I was looking at job postings I started to wonder what if. What if I’d stayed on my chosen career path? What if I’d not spent the last 8 years running a failed business.

I know these are not helpful questions, but we ask them anyways. Some people’s brains allow them the good fortune of being able to have a negative thought and move on. Not me.

My mind says, “Hey Todd, guess what? Your life is taken a turn for the worst, your hurdling towards the guardrails of life which you will surely break through, leading to a most untimely and painful death.

I think what scared me more than the thought I might need to rejoin the workforce is the fact it may be way more difficult than anticipated. I’m thinking If I’m going to jump ship and go back to work I should probably do it now. Why waste more time?

The fact of the matter is while I’ve gained a tremendous amount of knowledge and experience over the past seven years very little of it transfers back to the corporate world. Most likely I’m going to be starting near or close to the bottom of the latter, most likely below where I was 7 years ago.

That is a tough pill to swallow, but to even have the chance to swallow it I’m going to need to use my time not working on the business to develop some skills that will aid me should I make the decision to apply for jobs..

As I said at the start my OCD keeps pulling me in different directions. One day I’m laser focused on my business, feeling confident and certain in my path and where I’m going, the next I feel like I need to brush up on the social media and marketing skills I will need to find a job.

It is overwhelming, exhausting and ultimately leads me now where. Sooner or later I’m just going to need to choose a path and stick to it.

No more flip flopping. No more hedging my bets.

If I’m going to accomplish anything I need to starting showing some level of commitment and determination toward one path

My days right now really only have 4 buckets I can put my time in; sleep, family, my business, and job search.

The two buckets I have the most control over are my business and my job search. When I’m working on growing my business that has to be in the fore front of mind.  No looking forward, backwards or to the side, just a singular focus on the task right in front of me.

The bucket that is loaded with the most landmines is the job search bucket. That bucket can quickly go to hell in a hand basket. Or maybe it would be a hand bucket?

 

What I find myself doing, is something I’ve done my entire life. I get not even 5 feet into my journey, before I freak out, feeling I’ve made the worse mistake of my life, and immediately retreat.

Sure it is good to try new things, but when you are a serial “trier” as I am your not being adventurous or  spontaneous you are effectively hedging your bets against failure. Which is a great strategy if you don’t want to fail, but not so great if you want to succeed.

I need to choose right now, what will I spend my time on? Will it be developing social media or online advertising skills to make re-entry into the workforce a little smoother? Will I look for opportunities to explore a career as a writer? Which is kind of ironic given how shitty the writing is in this post.

I’m well aware this post is about as compelling as a republican debate featuring Ben Carson and John Kasich.

There is no one right answer. I wish there was,  I so wish there was, but there is not. The only wrong answer is to continually try followed by rapid, successive, lighting round pace, series of flip flops. Who do I think I am a Republican?

I don’t want to be a flip flap flippity flopper.

When I make a choice I must recognize that my desire to flip flop and retreat is resistance. Resistance that wants to keep my safe. But I’m beginning to wonder if what is actually keeping my safe is putting me in danger.

I remember growing up and watching the show “ER”. I thought for sure I’d found my calling. I was going to be an e.r. doctor, so  joined the local rescue squad as e.m.t, that is an emergency medical technician. The first call I went on a guy had a heart attack and died. I was completely frozen in the moment. I just sat in the back of the truck praying to God know one ask me to do anything. The minute we got back to the station I left and never returned. I was not cut out for that line of work.

The same thing happened years later when I was a fan of the West Wing. It was just a few shows into the first season but I knew, just knew this was what I wanted to do. I wanted to be just like Josh Lyman and work in the White House. I even got an application to the Kennedy School of Government.

That dream came to an almost equally abrupt halt as the rescue squad gig the moment I realized Martin Sheen was not really the president.

Inspiration will come and go. I don’t to act on every feeling of inspiration I get.

I have to remind myself anytime I watch something written by Aaron Sorkin that I’m going to fall head over heals for whatever line of work he is depicting.

That dude can make any job seem exciting.

When I feel that tug to redirect and change course I need to remember those feelings I’m having probably won’t last. Whatever doubt or second thoughts come up, are most likely temporary.

I need to remember what it the lights me, may not always light me up. That each feeling of inspiration does not need to acted upon. That what I’m in love with today, besides my family, I might not be in love with tomorrow.

The greatest service I can to for myself to help my achieving the life I want is show passion, commitment and unwavering perseverance. Not to ignore moments of inspiration, but reconsider them as possibly the shiny new toy.

Hot today, but cold tomorrow.

Now I just need to choose what path I want. Because I’m unwavering in my power to create whatever I choose.

 

 

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