The 10 Things I know I want
I get stuck in my head a lot. When I do it is tough to get out. I become a prisoner of the moment, completely and totally wrapped up in what I’m feeling. The heart gets detached from the brain.
Generally speaking, listening to my feelings is not a good idea. Looking at them with a somewhat critical eye can be helpful, letting them kidnap me is not. So when my head is clear and I’m tapped into my heart about what it is I want I write it down. I put pen to paper and make sure to record everything that comes pouring out of me in these moments of clarity.
Yesterday was one of those days that spiraled out of control for me. At the start of the year I was committed to not needing to know how the dots were going to connect in the future. I would just take the next right step along my path without needing to know where it might lead. For someone with OCD this is incredibly difficult. It goes against every fiber of my being. It feels unnatural, like eating a chicken mcnugget at McDonald’s. Your heart starts to race, you feel all sweaty and clammy as you get punched repeatedly with feelings of nausea. Uncertainty is a bitch.
Suddenly, 6 weeks into the New Year I freaked the fuck out. Taking the next right step and not knowing with a certainty it was A, the right step or B, exactly how the dots would connect was not okay. Absolutely, 100%, without a shadow of doubt not cool. What the fuck was I thinking? What kind of asshole would do such a thing?
WTF Tood? Just take the next right step and the universe will fill in around you. What a bunch of hippie dippy bullshit.
I decided I needed to phone a friend; I actually phoned 2 of them. I had fallen into deep to get out by myself. As usually these friends helped to stop the spiral. They reminded that several weeks back I had written down what it was I wanted, not what I wanted for dinner, but what I wanted out of life. They said, “Todd go back and read what you wrote when your heart and mind were in synch, because right now the wiring is broke and you can’t trust what your head is telling you.”
Here is what I wrote. It happened to be 10 things.
- I want to be able to create and share what I create with others.
- I want to connect with others in a meaningful way.
- I want to create change.
- I want to work and play by my rules not somebody else’s. I need the space to create and be me. It is the only way I see myself being successful.
- I want to create enough financial success to bring stability to me and my family and at the same time allows me to give to others.
- I want to be really good at what I do and be acknowledged by others.
- I want to work with many different types of people on different types of projects.
- I want to be of service to those around me.
- I want a nice, modestly large house. I always envisioned living in an old restored barn, with a beautiful open kitchen on a nice piece of land in the country. I don’t know why but I just do.
- I want to full fill my highest potential, using the skills and abilities that God has given me.
Make sure to take notes, physically write shit down when you are connected to your mojo, when you’re in that state of flow. Last but not least, please don’t forget where you put it; undoubtedly you will need again and again.