Entry #1 – An Open Letter to God

I don’t feel any closer, in fact I feel farther away than ever to finding my purpose. My days feel pointless. Is this what you really intend for me? I have to believe there is more, that the struggle has been for something. It was not all just an exercise in suffering.

Let me also add here that pain is relative. I realize there are millions out there that would gladly swap their pain for mine, but all I know is my pain. Others may have it worse but that does not make my pain any less real. I only know what it is like to walk in my shoes.

These past 37 years it has felt like I’m just killing time until the day we meet. You instilled a sense of purpose in everyone else, while skipping over me. I’m not saying you made life easy for others but you at least gave them sense of meaning or at the very least made them apathetic towards finding their purpose.

The purposes are not always grand and world changing they run the gamut from juggling bowling pins, serving the poor, boxing, playing football, teaching and for others they simply were put here so there would be someone to keep up with the Kardashians. Again I’m not saying you made their lives easier or better but at least they had direction.

You have sent me on a journey with absolutely no idea of the destination. Not even a vague idea. Hell, I would have taken what you gave the Buddha. His mission was simply to become enlightened. Pretty fucking vague, but still the little dude had a purpose and carved out a life for himself.

God I’m asking, I’m praying if you are out there and I believe you are. You may not have a white beard and look like Santa Claus, but I know you exist, show me my purpose. Give me a destination God. I want to fulfill whatever it is you put me here to do.

I believe with every fiber of my being our purpose here is to be the highest versions of our selves. To fulfill the potential you put inside each of us. That is our mission should we choose to accept it. I choose to accept it. Sign me up. Let’s go.

I’m not asking you make my life easier or even help achieve my potential. Just install that truth north on my internal compass others seem to have. Don’t get me wrong if you have the time and want to chime in from time to time I’ll certainly be appreciative. Please tell me where I’m going. Just a rough idea of what the destination looks like will suffice.

I want to live life from my heart. As long as I’m doing that I will be successful. Success will look like taking the next right step in search of the destination. To be honest I don’t want to reach the destination. The journey sounds like the fun part.

I’m asking for help God. I’m standing on my porch steps crying, opening my hands and arms asking you to show me. SHOW ME GOD! SHOW ME GOD! Show me what it is that makes me tick. I’m asking for help. As the Beatles sang,

And now my life has changed in oh so many ways
My independence seems to vanish in the haze
But every now and then I feel so insecure
I know that I just need you like I’ve never done before

Help me if you can, I’m feeling down
And I do appreciate you being ’round
Help me get my feet back on the ground
Won’t you please, please help me?

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